From our B squad correspondent. That's me at the front

Day 1 Departure

Arriving at the airport at a time far too early for decent people I was relieved to see other yellow T-shirts in evidence. I had come to the right place at the right time. Check in was all fairly smooth and everyone arrived in plenty of time. That just left hanging around the airport for ages until we were ready to leave. The golfers joining us on the flight were already in the bar at 5.30am. I managed to get a seat next to an exit on the plane so leg room was not a problem. Further back seating arrangements were not so pleasant and Dave was wanting words with Toddy about how he managed to be caught between a rock and a hard place.

On arrival to sunny Majorca the baggage took over an hour to arrive, but it was all there and all the bikes came through as well. We then had the not too long coach journey to the resort. Splendid views of the mountains as we drove along. I was still being warned about how tough they were going to be, but that was what I was there for after all.

On arrival at the hotel there was a mass dumping of gear as we had decided that in order to get a ride in lunch would have to be missed and the bikes readied ASAP. Fortunately no-one had suffered any major damage on the flight. Apart from Tim who was having problems with his front mech. On our departure from the hotel there was a cry of "puncture", but as we stopped no-one seemed to have a problem so that was a phantom puncture. It was bloody windy on that first day. I made an entry in my diary that was not quite as polite as that, it was not fun. On our jaunt down the coast Brian N suddenly made a break down the far side of the road, it was only then that we realised that he was in the cycle path that we all should have been on. Wondered why the local drivers were being so vocal towards us. After a real puncture the C squad had headed up the road, keen to put some time into us on the windy roads. Then things got a bit silly. On what was supposed to be a shakedown ride, people were suddenly all over the road. There was a small regrouping in the hills back towards Pollensa and myself and Dave had a nice tempo going, pulling the Nortons along and dragging Ian back towards us when Dave had a re-occurrence of calf problems that he had been suffering since his and Nick's accident. I stopped with Dave, and we slowly made our way back to the hotel. Well we tried, but it took a bit of doing. Along a back road we found the Nortons again and eventually found the hotel. Distance 34miles Average 17mph.

After the ride we had our first massages. The expected order all went to pot, but it was my first experience at the hands of Janice. A place you soon learn to be wary of. Dinner was a pleasant surprise. The food was very good and there was plenty of it. After tea a gentle stroll and short stop at a cafe for coffee. Back to the hotel bar and an early night for most, though there was a bit of dancing going on, and a certain woman definitely caught a few peoples attention.

Day 2 The Descent into Hell

This was the first day or our "proper" rides. I failed to wake up to my alarm clock. Mainly because I had failed to adjust it to Majorca time. I was roused by the dulcet tones of Mick C regaling Bob with one of his many stories. Breakfast was a case of how much can you stuff down you throat and can we get away with nicking the bananas for the rides. Before the ride proper we had a stern moment from the Chairman about massages and generally sorting ourselves out.

The morning was a fairly gentle introduction to Majorcan roads. The police had a polite word about riding in the lane, or something like that. His English was better than any or our Spanish. We split at Sineu, but no-one on the C squad had a map, so it was a case of good luck and follow the road signs. For lunch we stopped at a place called Montuiri. Despite being at the top of a cobbled climb we found a great little cafe. They did rather a nice line in spaghetti bolognase and served warm bread. The return journey became rather more brisk than the way out. We had the help of a following wind, and were TTT for a good portion of the trip. Baywatch was on good form and took every sign in what was for me and education in sprinting. What I learnt was a) Pay attention. You have to know when these things are going to happen. b) Don't be last. When the sprint starts being last in a line of 7 does not give you much chance. c) If in position b don't bother. You only look stupid if you set off just as everyone else has just passed the sign. Distance 72miles Average 16.1mph

We returned to the hotel only minutes before the A squad, well 3/4 of them. They had not seen the "most magnificent in Majorca" for about 3 hours. There was also a rumour that after having to wait 15 minutes at the top of a 30 minute climb, Bob arrived to say, "Let's keep this one amongst ourselves shall we lads". Famous last words, well we think they were his last as no-one saw him for the rest of the ride, and Wilksey had told us before he even got off his bike.

After the ride time for masages. Due to our new timings I was treated to the Ian Keith show, but more on that later. After another stuffing session, no not Bob and the A squad this time, I am talking about dinner, another stroll. We somehow managed to lose the helicopter on a perfectly straight road which we did not turn off. Clever one that. After a swift half at the bar across the road from the hotel we were treated to Mick C's half monty. I don't mean it was so small to be only worth a half, but this one only went half way down, thankfully. There was even some dancing with aforementioned young lady, who caught the attention previously, and members of the club.

Day 3. Small Hill

The ride for day 3 started with the A and B squads together. After the first couple of hills we split. Tim at first looked to be staying with the A squad, but soon dropped back. Baywatch went the whole way. We then turned onto some less than brilliant roads. We also started on our first serious hills. On one of these, a member of our party who shall remain nameless, for fear of getting him in trouble with his wife (narrows it down) or his mates on the force (I think you get the idea) was paying rather too much attention to a young lady's bottom on a mountain bike and missed a gear on the hill and nearly came a cropper. Then just before lunch and visiting a lovely church at the top of a hill, soon to be a recurring theme, Richard decided to take us down a farm track for some amusement. I was very amused, puncturing twice in 3 miles. Thanks to Beans for lending me an inner tube which the cat had eaten and did not quite inflate any more.

Lunch led us to Inca and a rather wonderful cafe in a wine cellar. It was an alcohol free lunch as we were all a little nervous about the afternoon. We met up with the C squad and had a small hill for the afternoon.

The climb was to the Lluc monastery. It is approx. 11k and fairly steep. I went up in 39x19, which I think is fairly standard. Unless you are a German girl. Midway up the climb I noticed a pair of riders catching me fairly swiftly. They were a little small for the majority of our group and Beans was already a long way ahead of me. They zoomed passed me and all I noticed was that they were in much a much larger gear than I was. It was only at the top that I was informed that not only were they two girls, but they were also climbing the mountain in the big ring. Very impressive. The BCC results for the climb were, first Beans @2.50min was Todger @ 6min myself @ 7.30mins Mick W followed swiftly by Dave. The rest were Mick C, Tim , Mad Brian, Mr. Keith, Brian and finally Mark Norton. I think that is the right order, the time gaps I am not sure. At the top Beans was conned into buying coffee all round, well done young man.

The descent was a strange one, in that you had to pedal for a lot of it and there were some uphills? I enjoyed it anyway and managed to reach the bottom first. Then sat up as I realised that I was acting as the hare for Mick W and Toddy. I was not playing that game. At our re-grouping Toddy had managed to put 3.50 into Beans and took GC on the road. Things were a little frisky on the run home and there was some sprinting going on. Distance 62miles Average 16.2mph.

On our return to the hotel we found out that the A squad had taken a novel route to Palma. Granted it was probably the most direct, but motorways and bikes are not usually compatible. Well at least they only stayed on it for 3 junctions. The evening was fairly quiet. It is probably fair to say we were knackered.

Day 4 The day after

The morning was a surprising buoyant one. Probably because we all had the chance to thoroughly extract the michael out of Bob for his motorway excursion. For the rides we set out on three separate rides again. On the main road to Alara, we appeared to be closing on a group of similarly dressed cyclists. This turned out to be the A squad. We nearly caught them without even trying, but our route led us elsewhere. We met up at Sineu at a very nice cafe for lunch, where we even had an English waitress, although someone did appear to have removed her personality. The A squad were late, having got lost (what again!). The ride back was very brisk with one very fast section where I am able to report we were doing through and off at 32 miles and hour. I was sure of this as I was at the back not doing any work. It was a very pleasant ride on a cracking day, apart from again spending a lot of the day dodging Germans. Trip 63.6miles Average 17.4mph

Back at the hotel, the pool was the target. Mick C managed three lengths, Baywatch only two. With Mark Wilkes return from his massage Mick thought it would be amusing to push him in the pool. So Mick ended up getting another swim. In our room the toilet was changed for a strange reason, I think it was the curried meat balls.

That evening was interesting as tomorrow was rest day. We went to a Chinese for a drink and suddenly seemed to be in a peanut throwing competition. The girls, well Sandra was complaining about being uncomfortable in an awkward area after a horseriding trip. Smug grins all round from those of us who had been suffering a bit from the saddle all week. Back at the hotel bar things proved even more interesting. Young Tim disappeared for a while with a young lady I feel sure I've mentioned before. Beans decided to take up drinking in a far to hasty fashion and had to be sent to bed, when he eventually decided how to get there. Then we went back over to the Jolly sailor for some food. Well raw burgers. A bit of a stomach turner. Ian then passed out quite comprehensively. On carrying him back to the hotel a large wheely bin was spied. So we put him in it. Suits you sir. Oh yes I nearly forgot. Another nameless member of our party, earlier on had been trying his luck with the two Thompson reps. They were female. One of them offered the rest of us 1000pestas to take him away. Most generous I thought. We also had decided on some new nicknames after some previous events. There are now two new members of the club, the M6 and pet shop.

Day 5 And Rest

I missed the first part of this day. Feeling completely shattered I decided sleep was more important than food, so I slept in till well after breakfast. Then spent until 11.30 by the pool sunbathing. I do not know what everyone else was doing, but I don't care. It was rest.

For a little active rest, myself, Dave, Ian, Mick W and Toddy went to the bike shop in Pollensa for a nose round. Mick W immediately punctured on leaving the shop and had to keep the assistant from his siesta to change his rim tape. We then rode up to the cave at Campanet for a pizza. Again more Germans everywhere. Then Mick took us on a trip round the building sites on the island. The lovely sea front at Alcudia, building site, the bike shop in Alcudia, also a building site. Well at his age the memory plays tricks. It was then a gentle ride back to the hotel for coffee and cake. Distance 40.3miles Average 15.1mph.

At the hotel recriminations over the last night continued. Ian could not remember a thing. Other members went scootering (Bob and Bradley) hired a car (Tim and Baywatch) or actually spent time together (the Wilkes). There was no massage and an early night was called for with the mountains looming tomorrow. Then the fire alarm went off at 3am. It was not funny. Spent about and hour in the car park. All kinds of rumours about the alarm being stopped by cutting the wires. Some very nervous people who had just been burnt out from their hotel round the corner were justly worried. But in the end it was nothing.

Day 6 Few Small Hills

This was it. This was what I had come to Majorca for. To really go hard up some proper mountains. There we were, the magnificent 7, myself, Dave, Todger, Mick W, Beans, Baywatch, oh and Tim. I rode the first one from Pollensa to Lluc tempo, having a nice chat with Dave. It was a long day and I did not want to go flat out too early. At the top I went across to Mick and we were catching Tim, who was going really well, and Baywatch. We regrouped at the monastery. Mountains points, winner Beans, 2nd Todger, 3rd Tim and Baywatch, 5th Me and Mick and Dave finished us off. I then was not expecting to have to go so much further up, but went over the top with Beans and Todger. The descent was crap. There was a lot of traffic and far too much pedaling to be done. I was actually caught out when we reached the bottom expecting to go much further down. As soon as we started going back uphill, Beans and Toddy came straight past me. I then followed Baywatch up what was a nasty climb at about 50 metres back. When we crossed the top that was the last I saw of Baywatch. The descent to Soller was very fast. Good road no cars and a lot of fun (top speed for me 44.7mph). Near the bottom I saw the fat man from Telecom himself, going up with the junior Telecom squad. Mountains, Beans, Toddy, Baywatch, Me, Mick and Dave. Tim had decided to go on earlier while we re-grouped after the first climb and so left the competition, also suffering a technical disqualification for leaving equipment on the mountain.

We re-grouped in Soller, before climbing back over the last before lunch. This was a very twisty climb that was all hairpins. They had even roughened up the road on the corners to make it even harder. Tim punctured at the bottom, further removing his chances in the competition. Over the top it was Beans, Todger, Me, Dave, Baywatch, Mick and Tim. The descent was the same as the climb. All hairpins. Not knowing how far the other two were ahead I tried hard on the descent, but never saw them.

We stopped for lunch in Bungnola. Beans went to ask for a menu and ordered a 3 course meal for 7. Talented lad that one. After lunch we decided on a flat ride home. Again there was still no respite. We were through and off at over 30 again. I was hanging on at times. I was shattered. But at least I did not turn into a pillar of salt. Bob, after another of his long lone rides, he really should try and be more sociable, looked like a snowman. I guess maybe he was not quite so magnificent this year. It was then a very quite evening. Distance 87.4miles Average 16.6mph. The longest ride I had ever done.

Day 7 Finally

For our final ride we rode out as one large group. Bradley and Haines decided not to join us for this last ride. After a pleasant run a long the coast Brian Norton left us and turned back after Alcudia. Mick C and Mark went right to Muro in what was to have been the C ride. Ian and Brian R decided to stay with us though. At the first large hill, they went quickly backwards along with Tim, who I believe was feeling the effects of the previous day. Baywatch went back to them and decided to stay, I believe he was feeling the effects of the night before. We then carried on as the B squad with two guests, Bob enjoying a new experience of a group ride. We took what was a fairly long and lumpy route to go back to Montuiri to the fab cafe we found on day 2. Mark Wilkes could not resist stirring things up a few times as we neared lunch. I managed an ambition and beat Mark in a sprint for a sign. Mainly because he did not know that the sign for San Juan was just round a bend and I did.

After another great lunch we joined up into a large group once more for the ride home. Those left behind earlier were presumed lost for the day. On the way back Bob and Mark Wilkes decided to go on ahead for a fast run home. We took things a little more leisurely but were still mixing it up a bit with a couple of sprints and a bit speed work. We were joined for a while by the 3 legged tandem couple who started the sprint for Sa Peubla. They were rolling along at a very respectable 25mph.

On arrival back to the hotel we went through the tasks of packing our bikes up. Then there was the last massage. This was very deep and quite painful. Ian went through his full reportoire of cringes, jerks and throes as Sue attempted to stop him jumping through the wall. Worth the cost of the holiday on its own. If only I had not been feeling such pain myself at the time. Then quick walk to top up the presents for those back home, and I am afraid another quiet evening. Though we did present the B squad jersey to Beans for a tremendous achievement in the mountains putting time into all of us and still staying with it on the flat.

Day 8 The Return

Well what can I say about the journey back. The Haines nearly missed the coach', again. The plane was late, and the weather back in the UK was crap. Well I miss Majorca and cannot wait for a return trip. When can we book Richard?

Disclaimer

The people in this report are all real. No attempt has been made to hide the identities of the guilty.

I take no responsibility for the events reported here. It is purely the fault of those concerned. If they had not done them then I could not report them. Unlucky.